When you learn that a colleague has experienced a death in their family, you may wonder what to do or say. What is the appropriate workplace etiquette in such a situation? How can you help ease your colleague's pain and support their transition during this difficult time? Use this information to guide you.
It's common to feel uncomfortable in these situations, leading many to avoid awkwardness by not mentioning the deceased, even when the survivor wishes to talk about them. Allowing people to speak about their loss is essential. It doesn't mean you need to become a grief counselor or that work must stop entirely. For many people, it is helpful to return to work because it can help them cope during tough times by allowing a more regular routine that is familiar and comforting.
Consider sending a sympathy card or expressing your condolences in person.
Avoid using platitudes; instead, offer a sincere expression of concern.
Sharing a meaningful memory about the deceased can be particularly comforting, as it shows genuine empathy and connection.
When speaking with your grieving colleague, make sure to maintain eye contact. This conveys that you are fully present and acknowledging their feelings, countering the common experience of feeling invisible during grief.
Be aware of your tone. In later conversations, you do not have to be continually solemn. Some humor, particularly in difficult times, is welcome. However, telling jokes, laughing raucously and being excessively chipper can be ill-received.
While life's challenges can teach us lessons, avoid asking the survivor what lessons they're learning from their loss, what messages the universe is sending, or what positives they see in their grief.
If you don't know what to say, just convey that you are willing to listen whenever they want to talk. Just showing up, sitting with them and listening is meaningful.
Resist the temptation to quickly change the subject when a grieving colleague talks about their feelings. No matter how uncomfortable their pain and sadness make you feel, it's much harder for them.
Remember, nothing you say can eliminate their grief, but you can help soften it for a while. Whether their loved one was ill for a long time or died unexpectedly, there's no perfect way to prepare for such an event. In cases of sudden death, avoid comments like, "At least he didn't suffer like my mother who had cancer," as these can trivialize the loss.
Simply expressing that you're sorry can be the most comforting.
Touching base later
Immediately after a death, the survivor often receives significant attention and support. However, as weeks and months pass, others may move on with their lives, often forgetting the survivor's ongoing grief. One of the worst things colleagues can do is overlook the continued impact of such a significant loss.
It's essential to provide support for several months after the death, as the loss remains fresh for the survivor. Continue inviting them to lunch, asking how they're doing, and offering support. Sharing a memory or writing a thoughtful note can be particularly meaningful, even months later. Acknowledging the deceased may be painful, but it is an integral part of the grieving process.
Be prepared for changes in behavior and work performance. In the United States, the culture typically doesn't support extended mourning periods. People are often expected to take just three days off for bereavement and then return to work at full capacity. However, grief is unpredictable and can come in waves, with better days and worse days. During this time, it's crucial to be understanding and patient. They will likely experience intense emotional swings for several months as they navigate their grief.
If you supervise this person, ask them about their needs.
Is it a lighter schedule needed for a while?
Or a heavier one to be a distraction?
Will they need some flexibility for time off to get through the bad days, or maybe go home early?
Be understanding and allow the person room to breathe. A referral to an employee assistance program may be warranted if performance suffers too much.
Ultimately, only time will make the difference. Meanwhile, supportive, understanding colleagues and managers will help the process.
