Despite the talk about the "stages of grief," there's no real guide to mourning. Each person reacts to loss in their own way. Still, there is one universal component of grief: Almost every loss, no matter how expected, will be accompanied by stress and disorientation. In the words of a report from the National Mental Health Association, "The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event."
This loss may be especially stressful if family members have to decide how a loved one dies. A study conducted by Oregon Health Sciences University researchers found that families who had to make end-of-life decisions for dying patients faced immense stress after the patient died. In fact, the stress level was about twice as high as that reported by families who lost their houses in a fire.
When we experience a loss, a very ancient reaction is triggered in our brain: the fight-or-flight response. Cortisol, the stress hormone, is released and blood pressure increases. The brain stimulates us to take action, but there is no action we can take.
In her book "The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss," Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor writes, "We use brain maps to find our loved ones, to predict where they are, and to search for them when they are gone." However, when someone dies, they are no longer on the map. "The alarm and confusion that this causes is one reason grief overwhelms us."
Stress is one of the reasons grieving people have:
Brain fog
Memory and concentration issues
Difficulty sleeping
Little appetite or trouble eating
The brain's hard wiring makes it difficult to predict how you may react to this stressor. Thus, preparing for reactions is nearly impossible. "The brain cannot predict this possibility because it is outside the brain's experience. The idea that a person simply does not exist anymore does not follow the rules the brain has learned over time," O'Connor writes.
While most people gradually recover from profound grief, others become physically and emotionally overwhelmed. If depression and anxiety take root, it can have an impact on health that sometimes can be fatal. According to the National Institutes of Health, between 30% and 90% of elderly widows or widowers die in the first three months after losing a spouse and around 15% in the months thereafter. The rate of suicide also increases compared to married people. (If you or a loved one need assistance, dial 988. The National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources.)
Psychologists find that approximately 10% of people who have lost a loved one will develop a prolonged grief condition. Complicated grief occurs in about 7% of bereaved people. People with this condition ruminate about the circumstances of the death, worry about its consequences or excessive avoidance of reminders of the loss. Dr. O'Connor notes that a diagnosis of complicated grief "needs to be used carefully, in cases where the complications uniquely require intervention."
This emotional low point goes beyond normal anxiety and mourning. People in this state may feel like their lives have lost meaning and question their most profound personal beliefs.
When they most need support, they may feel distant or furiously hostile toward certain people. Besides suffering from symptoms of depression, they may accuse themselves bitterly, go to extreme lengths to avoid rooms that remind them of the deceased and be tormented daily by an agonized yearning.
No easy death
There's no such thing as an "easy" death, but some losses are especially difficult for those left behind. Perhaps nothing is more devastating than the loss of a child. Researchers at the Columbia University School of Nursing and two other schools recently surveyed 74 parents who had lost children. Even though nearly 20 years had passed since the deaths, more than 60 percent of parents were still actively grieving.
Mothers may be particularly impacted by the death of a child. As reported in the Harvard Mental Health Letter, a large Danish study found that women who had lost a child were nearly twice as likely as other women to be hospitalized for severe depression.
The sudden loss of a spouse can unleash a similar sort of trauma for those who are dependent upon a loved one. As noted by the National Mental Health Association, surviving husbands or wives lose more than a beloved partner -- they lose a way of life. The upheaval may also destroy their social life or even their finances and housing.
Grieving is a deeply personal process. Many people find they're less likely to be overwhelmed if they don't hide their feelings. Sharing your grief or simply spending time with caring friends or family members may help you through the unreality of the first days. Talking to a therapist or a grief counselor may also help ease your stress and relieve your burden. Learning to practice mindfulness has been shown to help people become more present instead of thinking about the past.
Grieving as illness
Grieving is also a form of illness, according to many studies. In some cases, it may be as debilitating as getting pneumonia. Many sufferers feel numb, exhausted, disorganized and confused during the grieving process. Some describe it as a feeling of "sleepwalking." Others may feel as if they have gone crazy. Experts repeatedly state, "You're not crazy; you're grieving." These feelings are natural and grieving takes time.
Don't feel guilty about giving yourself grace and cutting yourself some slack. If possible, postpone other life-changing decisions until the grief has settled.
Don't be reluctant to seek the help of a doctor or counselor if you are having trouble coping. In many cases, medical treatment can help you get through this.
Because you are suffering, make a special effort to care for yourself.
Try to eat well
Get adequate sleep
Avoid turning to alcohol or drugs for relief
Stay in close contact with your doctor
Watch out for physical signs of stress and depression, such as sleeplessness, loss of appetite, listlessness, confusion and digestive issues
If these warning signs linger, you may need professional help coping with your grief. A counselor or hosted support group can help you sort through your feelings and put your life back on track.
