Grieving a loss, whether it is a loved one, a family member, a friend or a co-worker, is difficult and painful. When we lose someone close to us, we go through a process of grieving and mourning. When the loss is sudden or tragic, that process can be made even more difficult. As you go through the grieving process, it is important to recognize it and know how to best help yourself.
The grief process
The feelings and symptoms of grief can take on many different forms and are unique for each individual. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel, and no specific rule says you must finish grieving after a particular time. The important thing is that you take the time you need to go through the various stages of grief and to be able to acknowledge your feelings along the way.
There are five stages of grief that are generally accepted based on the studies of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. We don't go through the stages in any particular order, and there is no time limit for how long you have to experience each stage. They include:
Denial: This stage involves shock and disbelief about the loss. The person is unable to acknowledge the loss and may try to ignore it or pretend that nothing has happened. However, this stage can help protect the person from the immediate intensity of the loss.
Bargaining: In this stage, a person may focus on ways they could have prevented the loss or what they might have done differently. Sometimes, a person will try to make a deal with someone or something, believing those actions can be undone. Feelings of guilt are common in this stage.
Anger: A person begins to realize the lack of control and power they had in preventing the loss. During this stage, they may lash out at friends, family and their faith system. Sometimes, the person will feel angry about being abandoned or left alone. There may be attempts to blame others for not preventing the loss.
Depression: The impact of the loss is felt in this stage, as well as the significance of the loss. People may have crying spells, difficulty eating or sleeping, poor concentration and lack of energy.
Acceptance: In this stage, people understand what the loss means to them and begin to move forward. They have integrated the loss with their life experiences.
Dealing with the loss
The grieving process is different for each person. What may work for one person who experienced a loss may not work for you, even if you have both lost the same person.
To work through the grief, it’s essential to do the following:
Recognize grief is not linear. While there are stages, grief is a complex emotion that does not follow a linear path. Instead, grief is often described as a wave that ebbs and flows, sometimes hitting in unexpected ways or at random times.
Identify your support system. Grief is personal and often isolating. While you may sometimes feel alone, you are not. There are other people in your life that you can use for support. They may be family, friends, support groups, people in your faith community, or mental health professionals. Seek them out.
Express your feelings. Do not be afraid to tell people how you feel. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel. If it is difficult to verbalize your emotions, use other methods like journaling or drawing to express yourself. Acknowledging your feelings is vital to helping you better cope with the loss.
Take care of yourself. When we deal with a stressful situation like a loss, it is easy to forget about taking care of ourselves. It is essential to eat and sleep adequately. It is OK to give yourself a break from grief. Sometimes, we need a diversion from the stress to allow us the opportunity to recharge mentally. Keeping ourselves healthy makes it easier to deal with the loss. Avoid drinking alcohol or using drugs because they will inhibit or prevent you from moving forward with your grief.
Do what works for you. Everybody has their own way of coping. For some people going to wakes and funerals after a death is a meaningful way to feel closure. For others going to those events is too difficult, and they find other ways of closure such as creating a memorial or engaging in an act to honor the lost person, such as planting flowers or donating to a favorite charity in their name. Whatever will help you deal with the loss in a healthy, productive way is acceptable.
Plan for the future. When we lose someone close to us, there will come times, like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and other special events that will evoke intense feelings and emotions. This is normal and should be expected. Planning on how you will handle those times can make those special days less difficult.
